Ode to my Cleanse

Dear Herbal D-Tox (a.k.a. Detox-In-A-Box),


When we first met I was excited. Possibility was in the air. New beginnings - the world was our oyster.

At first I was dismayed by your foul stench, and rank aftertaste. However, these are qualities that I have grown to enjoy. I will not judge you for your composition - it's not your fault.


My bathroom symphony is quickly becoming a masterpiece. Soon I will be among the ranks of Mozart and Beethoven. My toilet paper consumption has increased by 500%.


Your "recommended food guide" has left me unfulfilled and often starving. There is only so much plain brown rice that one woman can forcibly eat. With or without Bragg's cleanse-friendly soy sauce.

However, my waistline thanks you, and my pants fit better. I no longer want to cry when I see my boyfriend scarf down pizza and muffins.



However, I still dream about large double doubles and birthday cake.

After 9 days with you, I no longer fear the BE (bathroom emergency) and the words "hunger pang" are now replaced by "weight loss".

Sadly, I will part ways with you soon. But I will think of you often, mostly while in the washroom.

Fire Crotch

Monday April 28th 2008 - DAY 1.

In preparation for Carrice's upcoming wedding, and that size 6 dress sitting in my closet, today I began an 8 week bootcamp and cleanse program to kick my booty into shape.

My roomie, A, is doing the cleanse with me for support. Somehow it is always easier to do something horrible if you know that someone else is suffering with you... sorry A!

Basically, the clease consists of 4 herbal supplements taken 4 times a day and a VERY restricted diet. In preparation, Sunday evening we made a huge batch of pico de gallo - a mexican salsa that is positively delicious - fresh tomatoes, jalapenos, onions and cilantro.

The last time I had made this recipe, I ended up with what I like to call FIRE CROTCH! I cut up the jalapenos, washed my hands, then went to use the washroom - where I suppose a portion of my skin touched a very private part of my body.

ANTIBACTERIAL SOAP DOES NOT WASH AWAY THE FIRE FROM JALAPENOS.

The pain was agonizing. I imagine this is what having STDs must feel like. I even considered something unimaginable - the douche - but decided against it out of principle. I wasn't sure if I could live with myself after ha!

Well, I wasn't going to let this happen to me again!

What would Donna do???

There is no shortage of "Wine Rack" bags in our house. They make really great disposable sheaths for chopping dangerous vegetables.

Perhaps I will find a way to make these fashionable and wear them more often.